I don’t want to see your face: My way of resistance in a relationship
Rinku Kumari
7:00 pm
He: Please talk to me
Me: I will, I am
He: Please switch back to your video call
Me: No, I don't want you to see me
And the fight continues
In the evening, I was talking to my partner. I should have said there were usual fights, and I also wanted to give the disclaimer that it showcases our love and care. Let’s not start with whether this is a healthy trait in a relationship; however, I feel it’s good: we communicate, we talk about politics, and we centre our diverse knowledge.
Let’s come back to the reason for me writing this article, while also going video call with him (my partner) again, not talking to him or making eye contact.
In times when I had any fight, disagreement with my partner, here I am talking with a romantic and/or intimate partner, my silence has been the way of visibalising and vocalising my anger. Sometimes not hugging, denying kissing, not holding hands, not making eye contact, basically no touch, intimacy until our fight gets sorted out. It amazed me that some of my friends did the same in their relationships, denying access to their bodies. I wondered why, tried to search some articles by a feminist scholar on that, and the major article that popped up was, why women deny sex from Their Husbands, or some articles on why distancing from husbands is not a good practice, and some random articles on how sex is a good way to build relationships.
Despite that, I tried to search for some articles that I might read and might find useful and might quote. However, I want to use this time to think and reflect on the very idea of how the women’s tool of resistance in the relationship has always been not giving access to their bodies. I do not, in any capacity, want to ignore the relationship. The fact that my experiences have been in a cis-relationship means that it can be for queer people, female-bodied people as well, but there’s no research, and that’s why I am just foregrounding my lived experiences.
The fact that the anger is more violent and toxic, like using slurs, physical abuse, violating rights, and so on, has been used by men against women; on the other hand, women with less to no resources and opportunities have only had their bodies, which they can use to voice themselves. It is also a way they show their autonomy and agency over their bodies.
I was exposed to the word ‘Intentional withholding’, an act in which one partner knowingly and willfully disconnects, shuts down, and essentially exiles the other partner, knowing what they are doing. They are willfully punishing the other for something they have done. Their goal is to make that other person feel isolated and disempowered.’ The usage of acts like ‘ angry look on their faces, crossed arms, and angry eye contact’ to showcase their resistance.
The fact that women have been socialised in a way to be silenced, submissive, they learnt the non-verbal ways of communicating their anger, frustration, and protest.
While the frustration of not getting any research or article in these issues was there, I also got furious by the fact that the articles which majorly were on relationship was centering communication, trusting, foregrounding relationship and so on, they suggested to build understanding, when the articles themselves failed to analyze the reason of one person denying any affection physical or emotional to other partner. Looking at the limited work on this theme also highlights the fact that women are only seen as victims or survivors in the relationship with no power, even if in their own ways they have resisted household boundaries; their tools of resistance were neglected, not much talked about, or researched.
I was amazed by one of the articles that talked about withholding as a toxic sign, and it stated how it is a tool to make someone vulnerable. It kind of disappointed me that the vulnerable people, in this case, women, have some power, some tools of voicing, and that also was pointed out as something wrong, when their power and tools are limited. Women use their tool of ‘cutting someone out of their lives’, which is seen as not healthy, toxic, rather than research on the aspect of why and how of this behaviour or/and/or act.
After many attempts, I failed to get any concrete data, research, or articles on this issue, and I know the idea that lived experiences are also important will take a good amount of years to be acknowledged and accepted. Until then, I might look into these issues further. I can not use the same tool of distancing myself from this partner, by partner this I mean the extended spaces, society, and structure that for ages has denied the voices of marginalized, but surely I will show my some amount of love to my partner who did not stopped to do conversation with me even though did not opened my video call, till this piece of article got completed.
PS: My partner, an extreme academic person, has read this and the comment he made, and I quote, ‘put some in-text citation’.
I HATE HIM. PERIOD.
11:11 pm
References
? Women’s Resistance Strategies in Abusive Relationships - Brittany E. Hayes, 2013
? Withholding: A Dangerous Saboteur of Love | Psychology Today
? Withholding in Relationships | Laura How
? Is Emotional Withholding A Sign Of Abuse In A Relationship?
? The silent treatment, emotional withholding, and avoidant abuse
? PDF) Anger and women: expression or suppression?